As children grow up and leave home for university or new adventures, many parents are left grappling with a complex mix of emotions known as empty nest syndrome. This often-overlooked phenomenon can lead to feelings of loss, sadness, and anxiety as parents adjust to their new roles without the daily responsibilities of caregiving. For some, it marks not just a shift in their relationship with their children but also a new chapter in their own lives.
A New Reality for Parents
For Tapashi Rabeya, a divorced single mother, the departure of her only child, Sam, for university marked a significant life change. With Sam attending college seven hours away, she faced not only the emotional transition of being an empty nester but also the challenge of living alone for the first time. Speaking ahead of her son’s move, Rabeya expressed a mixture of excitement for Sam’s new experiences and apprehension about the upcoming changes.
“I’m going to live vicariously through him,” Rabeya shared, adding, “but I feel a big, empty hole in my chest. He’s my only child, and I’ve invested everything in him.”
Rabeya’s experience is far from unique. As children transition into adulthood and embrace independence, parents are left to navigate their evolving roles. Clinical psychologist Monica Vermani describes the experience as an “emotional rollercoaster” that many parents struggle with.
“Empty nest syndrome is real,” Vermani explains. “When the child who was once dependent on you no longer needs the same level of care, it can leave many parents feeling lost and unsure of what to do next.”
Trusting Your Child’s Readiness
Letting go is never easy, especially when you’ve dedicated years to raising and caring for your child. Alongside concerns for their child’s well-being, many parents find it difficult to trust that they have prepared them for the challenges of adulthood. Vermani points out that although modern technology allows parents to stay connected through texts and video calls, the lingering effects of the COVID-19 pandemic have added an extra layer of complexity to typical concerns.
“Parents are not just worried about grades and friendships anymore. They’re concerned about their child’s mental health and safety,” Vermani says.
Despite these fears, she urges parents to trust in the foundations they have laid. “It’s important to remember that we’ve raised these kids to be independent. Our job was to give them the tools and values they need to become self-sufficient, good human beings who can contribute to society.”
Vered DeLeeuw, an empty nester with two daughters in university, recalls a piece of advice that resonated with her during this period of change. British child psychologist Penelope Leach once said, “Your job as a parent is to work yourself out of the picture — slowly.”
For DeLeeuw, that message helped ease her anxiety when her older daughter moved across the country for university. Although the initial adjustment was difficult, with DeLeeuw experiencing sadness and anxiety for months, she gradually adapted. By the time her younger daughter left home, the transition was much smoother.
“You lose a part of yourself when a child moves out,” DeLeeuw acknowledges, “but people are more resilient than they think.”
Redefining Your Role
The departure of children from the family home can trigger a sense of panic for parents who suddenly find themselves without the role of caregiver. However, Vermani views this period as an opportunity for self-discovery.
“Parents now have the chance to rediscover themselves,” she says. “They can travel, volunteer, pursue passions they’ve put aside, or even change careers.”
For DeLeeuw, the empty nest phase allowed her to reconnect with her husband and embrace a more independent lifestyle. She now enjoys accompanying him on business trips that she previously missed due to her parenting responsibilities.
Similarly, Rabeya has leaned into her newfound independence. She has made new friends, welcomed her first non-family roommate, and opened a vintage consignment boutique in Brooklyn. “I’ve birthed what feels like a brand-new baby,” she says.
Seeking Support and Connection
While the prospect of new beginnings is exciting, it’s essential for parents to acknowledge the challenges of adjusting to life as an empty nester. Vermani advises parents to be kind to themselves during this time and avoid feeling guilty or embarrassed if they struggle.
“Feelings of sadness and anxiety are normal,” she says. “Seeking out support groups for empty nesters or speaking with a mental health professional can help parents cope with these emotions.”
Maintaining connections with their children, without being overbearing, is also important. Vermani recommends setting a routine for regular communication, such as a weekly check-in, which can provide reassurance without invading the child’s newfound independence. Additionally, she advises parents to avoid monitoring their child’s social media too closely.
“Allow your child to establish their new phase of life on their terms,” she says. “Show them that you trust in their abilities to thrive and grow.”
Ultimately, the empty nest phase offers a unique opportunity for both parents and children to flourish in their new roles. While it may be a time of change and adjustment, it’s also a moment to reflect on the success of raising an independent adult and to look forward to the next chapter.
